We’re ramping up into exam season once again, and as I find my brain
functioning at a higher level intellectually, I’m beginning to notice that some
things are different from usual this time around. I’m in overdrive mode; I’m studying hard,
putting more soul than usual into my creative projects, and everything that I’m
doing in between is perfectly detailed, and examined with a more meticulous
eye. These things are nothing new, but
the way I feel about them has radically changed; in the past, exam season has
been a 24/7 exposure session of my insecurities, shortcomings, and failures. I would feel like I knew nothing for a class,
wouldn’t bother studying much, thinking “it is what it is”, not do very well on
a test or paper, get discouraged, turn to music, get upset when I couldn’t
verbally express myself and had to do so enigmatically through an instrument,
get depressed, blame everything on myself for not “getting it” or trying hard
enough, and continue through this endless downward spiral.
This time, something is different.
I feel this joy and peace in my heart that cannot be quenched. It’s as if all of those messages I’ve been
receiving for years about being a
child of the God of love are finally starting to sink in. This didn’t just happen overnight. I have done a TON of work this month (on my
own, and with countless brothers and sisters whom I love SO MUCH and will never
be able to thank enough) with God to get to the very root of my being, peeling
back all the layers of dirt and grime that had been left caked on; after years
of being ignored and left to sit and accumulate, this dirt had become part of
me and how I saw myself—I didn’t even think it was possible for it to be wiped
away to reveal me for who I really was: a child of God. It hasn’t been an easy process, there have
been times where the enemy has lied and deceived and I’ve wanted to submit and
return to my miserable, albeit predictable, old life. He has seen each tear that has fallen and
heard every time I have called out to Him—and now I recognize this as truth. I know it’s going to take lifelong vigilance,
prayer, and re-examination, but if what I’m seeing and feeling right now is any
indication of God’s intention for my spirit, it’s going to be totally worth it.
And I am sure of this, that
He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus
Christ. – Philippians 1:6
To everyone who has been part of this journey, prayed for me, cooked
for me, cleaned for me, sat with me, stood with me, listened to me, talked with
me, answered my questions, encouraged me, held me, visited me, picked me up,
dropped me off, gone to class for me, gone to work for me, cast out demons with
me, and treated me as a sister and an equal, I wish there was a more eloquent
way to say it, but THANK YOU. You have all
impacted me very deeply, and built me up to beyond what I could have ever
imagined. Thank you for looking deeper
than the surface, seeing beyond the deficiencies that had wrongfully become my
focus, and lovingly slapping me in the face with the hand of God, showing me
who He really is through your actions and words. God knew what He was doing when He put all of
us together into community—I’ve certainly seen that in the way you’ve all been
there for me, and I hope I can be there for you as someone to talk to, a
shoulder to cry on, or whatever the case may be. I’m praying for nothing but abundant blessings
for all of you folks, and thanking God for bringing us all together.
This is just the beginning.
