Over the
last several weeks, I've been ever-so-carefully tiptoeing out into the
possibility that maybe anxiety isn't a thing that needs to define me anymore. I
feel absolutely like a broken record every time I mention that awful
"a-word" (or the "p-word" or the "d-word" for
that matter), because the nature of this illness is that it comes and goes in
waves and cycles and unpredictable bouts of mania and downward spirals… But for
the first time in years, I'm actually starting to feel better, stable,
grounded, and like I just might be leading a normal life.
Our
individualistic culture doesn't like the word "normal." We celebrate
differences and abnormalities as if these are the pinnacles that we should
strive for above all else, because the individual is god… My opinions there
encompass a long conversation for another time. I was incapable of remembering
what "normal" was while I couldn't experience it, but now that it is
returning in shades, I'm in awe, excited, and overjoyed at what is yet just
invisible on the horizon.
Let me
just expound on what I mean by "normal" for a sec…
- I can get up and out the door in the morning without worrying about having a panic attack.
- I can feel confident committing to be present at social functions, and look forward to them, rather than playing out the scenarios of how I could acceptably cancel at the last minute without sounding like a dick because I'm not feeling up to it, only to feel too petrified to say anything and feel even worse for skipping out afterwards.
- I believe people are telling the truth and not just being nice when they exhort, edify, and compliment me.
- I can eat wheat and dairy without getting sick!
- When I look in the mirror, I see a confident, joyful, beautiful woman, rather than a long string of explicit, derogatory adjectives.
- I can truly be present with other people, and empathize with their concerns without being concerned about how anxious I feel and how that is coming across.
- I feel confident taking public transit for long trips.
- I don't feel the need to eat constantly to forget about the anxiety.
- I feel like I deserve to be happy, and that that's a good thing.
- I just feel joyful.
- I feel like I have the energy and capacity to love others, and actively seek out opportunities to do so.
- I understand that I'm still going to have good days and bad days and don't feel pressured to live up to an image of a put-together person who has all their stuff figured out--because I'm 23 and I don't have all the answers!
All of
the above are happening nearly all the time. I never even conceived the thought, in my wildest fantasies that I would ever deserve and know the life that I get to live every day now.
There is
hope for peace, joy, and life after the absolute hell that is mental illness.
"The thief
comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and
have it abundantly." - John 10:10
A-freaking-men.
