The Greatest Love Ever

I’ve lived the best life I’ve ever lived since I decided to accept Jesus four months ago.  I’ve been warmly welcomed into a community of strangers whom I know consider my brothers and sisters.  I’ve learned to listen to God, and felt that He was calling me to take an enormous step and trust Him to send me to Bangladesh for a month, and I accepted that challenge.  This weekend I was privileged enough to attend WinterCon13, where I felt probably more love than I’ve ever felt cumulatively over my whole life.  I’m so absolutely thankful for the people who have brought me to this point and spiritually enriched me over the years—for God for choosing them to minister to me and for these people who have allowed God to use them to soften my heart and open my mind to this new way of living with Him. 

I was raised in a “Christian” home. Although we went to church every Sunday and were very involved in the church both on Sunday and on other days of the week, church was never really talked about outside of the church.  Community existed at church, but as soon as church was over it was back to the grind, and the community was gone.  Grace was said at the dinner table, but it had become a routine of my parents (purposefully) singing in atonal harmonies as my brother and I hung our heads in shame and prayed for it to be over.  We were kind to our neighbours—when we saw them…and felt like talking to them.  I tried to read the Bible on my own once when I was about 10, but what drive did I have to try and decipher what was going on at that age by myself?  I was a good kid, and I knew I wasn’t going to go to hell because I went to church.  There were so many holes. 

Every couple of years I would go through a Jesus-loving phase when I would start to pray regularly, but it faded out as quickly as it came.  As I became older, I thought of the church as a corrupt organization that would bend over backwards, sacrificing all integrity just to get another body in the door.  I was just going through the motions.  God wasn’t alive in me and I wasn’t alive.

As a spiritually lost nineteen-year-old, I felt unloved.  I didn’t matter to my friends, my family, or myself.  This sort of complex is not uncommon in the teenage years.  Add a mental illness to the mix, and you get one walking miserable disaster.  It wasn’t until almost a year after that diagnosis that I found Jesus.

Faith has finally become real to me over these last few months.  I knew at the start that this time it wasn’t just a “phase”.  This time was different.  I needed to change.

Anyway, when the opportunity to go to this conference came up, I didn’t really question whether or not I should go.  I was so eager and excited to learn more and listen to the word of God with my peers.

I have never felt so much love and acceptance and such a sense of community from anyone—let alone from a large group of people who were mostly perfect strangers.  I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and support from people when they found out that I was going to Bangladesh.  It left me kind of confused—I really hadn’t done anything yet, and I was too new to this whole “devoted-to-Jesus” thing to really understand how big of a step it was to trust God enough to let Him bring me to a completely foreign land.

This outpouring of love felt completely surreal and almost unjustified.  Six months ago I was living day-to-day in fear as a depressed nobody.  Then I said yes to Jesus and I was the apple of God’s eye, and He showed me that through every person I interacted with this weekend.  It was the most invigorating, wholesome, profound experience of my life.  I am so excited to see what else He’s going to reveal to me in the weeks and months ahead as I prepare to go to Bangladesh and beyond as I prepare to meet more brothers and sisters and share the awesome news that Jesus is alive, and the grace of God is so amazing.

Words of Wisdom: Keep Working

I’ve been caught in a bit of a rut this year as far as school goes.  This daily verse from an app on my phone came at the perfect time.  Just remember, you are not alone, and your reward is great.

            

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.  It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” - Colossians 3:23-24

New year, new me

“New year, new you”—it’s the message we’re seeing everywhere, whether we’re trying to lose weight, change some less-than-ideal habits, improve our social statuses, or increase our GPAs.  Growing up, I thought that the notion of New Year’s resolutions was absolutely ridiculous, and that anyone thinking that they were going to turn their whole life around on a dime just because the last number of the date had changed was completely naïve.  I made a new year’s resolution once in my life, and it really wasn’t good for me—it made me obsessive, self-conscious, and in constant disapproval with myself for about two years before enough became enough.  Rather than delve into more detail, let’s just say that that time of my life isn’t one that I remember fondly.  I’m not down-playing the importance and effectiveness of drastic lifestyle changes, particularly when people who NEED them are concerned.  The important thing is to make any transitions slowly and safely, when they are required. 

I’m about to contradict myself a bit—I’ve made another new year’s resolution this year, although I’m not too sure how to confine it into a sentence fragment, so let me elaborate…  I took a few spiritual baby steps last year, after finding myself at an unparalleled low point in my life.  After a three-month sample of what life with Jesus is really like (to be clear, I was raised in a Christian home, although thoughts and feelings about Christianity were rarely verbalized, so I wasn’t comfortable identifying myself as a Christian because I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to act and feel about it) I’ve decided to make a real commitment to God—read the Bible every day, use my gifts to serve Him, and let Him use me to further His Kingdom. 

People have always commented that I’m very “intense” when I play the violin.  When I was a teen, it was all my anger and suppressed feelings that I could only emote through the music I played.  Now, the anger isn’t gone, but I have a much wider palate of emotional colours to choose from, and I recognize that God has worked through the teachers who have gotten me to where I am today, and although I have worked very hard over the years to improve my technique, the gift of music comes from Him.

More importantly, I feel that I need to trust God.  The best of us can feel abandoned sometimes.  A recent example might be the engagement season that we are (maybe) exiting right now.  Our generation isn’t getting any younger, but it’s still scary to think that I have friends who are getting hitched, especially as a 20-year-old who hasn’t had any long-term romantic relationships to speak of.  I’ve been frustrated to no end sometimes when I see other people’s lives play out so seemingly perfectly, while I feel like mine is going nowhere, despite what a kind, likeable, honest, loyal, good-looking person I prefer to think of myself as (when I say good-looking, I mean I don’t have three eyes or anything totally repulsive… If you know me well enough, you’ll know that I can’t even pretend to be cocky).  I’ve heard it said that those who wait for love are waiting for God to prepare their mate to be the perfect match, and I think that it’s an absolutely lovely notion.  Some might say that it is naïve, but, wouldn’t we all rather enter into a relationship (aiming for it to last, of course) knowing that our partner is prepared to make it work; spiritually, mentally, and emotionally?  I definitely would, and I suspect that I’m not alone.  So, Mr. Right, if you are reading this now, or if I haven’t met you yet, wherever you are, know that I am preparing for you, with God’s help.

Here’s the thing: it might be argued that I didn’t NEED to make this change—I could have lived the rest of my life as a set of biochemical reactions, independent of any deity.  It was after careful exploration of myself and the Word of God that I came to the conclusion that this was the move for me.  In the Bible, it says that God will willingly accept us when we seek Him, but—that’s just it: we have to seek Him.  I didn't have to seek Him, I chose to; and because I chose to, He has accepted me, and I feel compelled to serve Him.

The verse of the day is: Lamentations 3:22-23

            “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

Wishing all of you a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year,

Helenz