Bdesh: updates, back story, and prayer

                          I’ve had an absolutely incredible couple of days.  Yesterday, I received a dollar figure from KesPres for the support for my trip to Bangladesh, and I was very happy to discover that it was over and above what I needed to cover the difference that I still needed.  The rest of the day was filled with other pleasantries, including a free donut, an aced practical exam, news that a logistical problem concerning my upcoming recital had been solved, and the potential of obtaining my own motor vehicle by the summer!

            

              Bangladesh.  I want to thank each and every one of you who gave of your financial resources to assist me in this endeavor.  Your gifts will be well used to continue to shape me as a global citizen and woman of God, and to help bring joy, peace, and rest to the Bengali people.  If you haven’t yet donated, donations will still be accepted until April 15.  You can still donate to me, since extra gifts will still be put to good use, either by helping out team members who didn’t fully fundraise, or buying gifts for the Bengali people.

            

            For those who have been praying, thank you as well and please continue to pray.

            

           Now, I have a very large and specific prayer request.  As some of you know, I suffer from an anxiety disorder known as panic disorder, which can cause me to have unprompted panic attacks.  Although I’ve learned to manage it pretty well over the past year, there are still moments when it overpowers me and I have to let it win.  This illness may overpower me, but it will never overpower God.  Let me share a little bit of the story of how I came to go to Bangladesh.

                        

I’d been a potential subject for recruitment for a couple of weeks.  These people all meant well, but they didn’t know me.  They didn’t know my situation—I was different, I had issues that they’d never even dream of; I was a liability.  I attended a worship event.  There were about fifty hot and sweaty people in a living room, all singing and praising and having a gay old time—except me; I was getting awfully claustrophobic and uneasy.  I was nauseous, shaky, lightheaded, and breathing heavily—a classic panic attack.  Because of where I was in the room, there was no way to exit discreetly; as uncomfortable as it was, I would have to ride it out.  The pace of the worship was especially not helping—it was excessively slow and would probably have been very nice and poignant had I have been able to be alert and focused.  I just wanted out.  Between two songs there was a time of prayer, where we prayed in “one voice” (I believe this is a Korean tradition where everyone says their own prayer aloud at the same time).  We were asked to pray that God would take away whatever it was that was keeping us from Him.  I did not want to pray.  I knew that I had to ask God to take away my anxiety, and that that would mean that He might call me to go to Bangladesh.  I wasn’t ready.  Everyone around me was praying; I really didn’t want to pray, but something was calling me to share in the experience with all of these people.  I bowed my head.  The instant I brought my hands and eyelids together, a wave of calm came over me.  The nausea, shaking, lightheadedness, and hyperventilating had ceased, and I felt a sense of peace like I’ve never felt.  This was so amazing.  I began to pray, praising and thanking God for what He had just done while crying tears of amazement and joy.  He had showed me that I was not in control, the illness was not in control, HE WAS IN CONTROL.  This was God’s promise to me that if I followed His lead to Bangladesh, He would uphold and protect me, and show me more of what He is capable of.  

           

            Friends, our God is God of the impossible, and He proved it to me on that day.  I need you to pray that He will continue to show me himself in these ways, and that I will not submit to the illness and the evil one on this trip.  Also pray that I would be open about sharing my situation with others so that they would know what they can do to support me, and pray that they would be open to doing so.

           

           A year ago, God didn’t have my heart and the illness totally controlled every aspect of my life.  Now, following His word has made me free.  Can I get an Amen?