The Verdict:

First of all, let me just say how overwhelmed with gratitude I am, after receiving such a positive response to the previous post. My facebook inbox was flooded with messages of support, encouragement, and solidarity from all kinds of humans—close friends, people whom I’d expected to judge and scoff at me, individuals with whom I haven’t spoken with in years, and even those with whom I can’t recall ever having a conversation. It was absolutely overwhelming to see so many individuals from so many walks of life come alongside and agree with many things that I was saying, and challenge some of those opinions by asking critical questions, as well as apologize on behalf of all Christians for some negative things that I’ve experienced in the hands of other Christians, and the church in general. Never once did I feel chastised, judged, or shamed for saying what I said, believing what I believe, or doing what I did. So, thank you. I’m so incredibly grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

On Tuesday morning, at about 5am, I decided to follow Jesus.

I was absolutely not expecting it to happen this quickly. How that decision was reached is a big, long story, involving circumstances that, out of respect for the parties involved, I would prefer not to discuss.

This week I learned that life moves fast, and sometimes it stops moving and ends just as fast. I learned that I could sit around on the sidelines, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for something or someone to speak to me in such a way that motivates me to accept the truth of the gospel in my heart and not just in my head, waiting for a magic, fairytale, emotional moment where I suddenly comprehend the fullness of the gospel, and know 100% without a doubt that Jesus is real, and with me, and for me, just as I am. I could wait around forever, for all of my silent, unrealistic expectations to be fulfilled, and I could die waiting, without ever saying yes. That was one possible scenario.

The other forced me to make a choice, and have closure right here and now: do I love Jesus, or don’t I? That answer was simple. How, after seeing and experiencing all the hurt that I had at the hands of humans, directed at myself and others, how could I possibly be okay with believing that what we see is all there is? After studying, and learning, and growing more and more to understand who Jesus is, and seeing self-proclaimed “Christians” totally miss the mark and use that “faith” as a cop-out to be hateful, discriminatory, and judgmental, ignoring Christ’s gospel of love, peace, hope, joy, and justice for the oppressed—how, how could I possibly sit back, scoffing at these ignorant individuals, while I myself was ignoring the mission that I have to be an example of love and grace? Knowing how flawed and faulty I am as a human being, and knowing, even if it’s not real, that there is a possibility of redemption, forgiveness, acceptance, and grace, when faced with the choice of even the slimmest possibility of that chance, or poking my way through the darkness of my own mind, trying to find temporary answers to just to numb myself enough to make it through another day, as I have for most of my life—how could I not take that chance to put my faith in something bigger than myself? Knowing that I’m not going to live here forever, and that there’s even a chance that I might get to spend eternity with the God who has loved and cherished me, and every other human on this planet—I fail to conceive a scenario in which I would not say yes.

So, I said yes.

Yes, to grace when I fall short

Yes, to love when I find myself consumed with other thoughts

Yes, to the mission of exemplifying the love and grace that I have been shown

Yes, to accepting that he loves me just as I am

Yes, to acknowledging that although I am striving for the humble perfection of Christ, I will never get there (and he’s okay with that and loves me anyway)

I fell in love with Christianity long before I fell in love with Christ. What’s not to love about it? Hypothetically, you’re always surrounded by a group of people who love and support you, challenging you to grow to become more like Jesus. You practice good morals, and if you can do so to a high degree of efficacy, I think some even believe you’ll have a Cinderella-story, white-picket-fence, American-dream, fairytale of a life, casting anything that doesn’t fit that ideal over the shoulders of Jesus (as if that's what those shoulders were meant to bear!). You feel good about yourself by going on missions trips and/or helping the poor and feel like your life has a greater purpose than the mundane everyday of everyone else. Christianity, for many, sadly, is a quick fix to all of life’s problems. I’d be lying if I said my motivation for becoming a Christian in the first place wasn’t to solve a bunch of my own problems.

The problem with Christianity is humans. We’re flawed. We’ve misinterpreted scripture. We’ve placed little g gods in front of the big G God. We bend the rules enough to get and do what we want and justify it. In this give-and-take world, we give God ultimatums and try to bargain with him to get what we perceive as good for us in this world in our own human shortsightedness, failing to see that his plans are so much greater. What’s worse is when we impose our flawed humanness on others, under the guise of living the good life in faith, and become keys that open doorways to the labyrinth of modified, lukewarm, unbiblical “Christianity”, instead of becoming oil lamps that, although they may not be bright, and need to have their oil replenished regularly, strain to shine towards the brilliant, inextinguishable light of Christ. Christianity, religion, whatever you want to call it, has never been the way to a better life, and actually, it’s not the way to any kind of life at all. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. Whether “oil lamps” are present to mimic and point to him or not, Christ is there, regardless.

“In him was life, and the light was the life of all men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness does not overcome it”-John 1:4-5

I don’t have all the answers. I’m still figuring this out, and I’m going to keep piecing this puzzle together until the day I die, but I’m infinitely happier to do it knowing that I am not alone, knowing that I am loved despite my imperfections and shortcomings, knowing that my life has a purpose and that that purpose is to love Jesus and become more like him and to tell everyone about how great he is, and knowing that none of that will ever change under any circumstances.

...Celebration time?