What even just happened?

Recently, I learned of my acceptance to Tyndale for a year of bible college. I've had inklings for quite a while that this was something that the Lord would eventually lead me to on the path that I've been walking, and it's a bit of a long story involving walking away from the notion of attending seminary, and then coming around again thanks much to the prodding and encouragement of (un)suspecting individuals.

The buildup of expectation seemed intense though--I'd had this feeling for over a year that I would end up at this particular institution eventually, but didn't say much about it to anyone. I typically don't like sharing things with people unless I am absolutely certain that they are factual, or as close to perfection as possible; I think that's a pride thing. I also didn't really want to go to this school, outwardly (as in, what I shared with people) for financial reasons (tuition isn't cheap, and neither is the cost of living in the city), but inwardly (what I didn't really share with people) I didn't want to make anyone think I was following the lead of somebody else, as there are a few quite influential individuals in my life and faith journey who are alumni of the school. I wanted to carve my own path, not copy someone else who may have felt called into ministry under similar circumstances as myself, and didn't want to create lofty expectations for my own life based on the experiences of others at this particular institution. As it turned out, though, independently, and louder than all of those inner voices, God spoke to me in ways he knew I would listen and not doubt: through my own prayerful intuition, affirmed by trusted mentors and cross-checked with communication with admissions counselors and students, and visits to different campuses. Despite my desire to do my own thing, independent of extraneous human influence, I really felt like this was the place where God was calling me.

I still find the will of God so hard to talk about. I feel like I have to justify my beliefs in God or about the character or actions of God to make them sound legitimate, when I truly feel that they are sometimes just too enigmatic or emotionally overwhelming to string into simple sentences. It usually takes hours of written processing, conversation, and prayer before I feel I can be confident in what I think and wish I should just be able to hear and discern quickly from God. I feel like I always sound crazy, whether I'm trying to tell non-Christians why I believe in God and how he speaks to me, or trying to rationally justify to Christians why I think something is of God, and I feel like I usually just end up sounding stupid because I can't find adequate words to express the magnitude, depth, and source of my convictions. (If you've ever had a spiritual or theological conversation with me, you may have observed that you probably did most of the talking, as I responded with concordance or frustration expressed in grunts of "mmmmm!" or "ugh!"--occasionally, I manage to muster the word "YES!"). It's like I have a fear of making my opinions known and open to judgment from others, and causing upset or putting myself in an unfavourable light, which is pretty contrary to Jesus, and so probably something I need to be consciously working on.

…Anyway,

On the cusp of this exciting new adventure, I've found myself under a lot of spiritual attack, characterized by overwhelming anxiety and a feeling of general malaise and self-doubt. I am nowhere near adequate or ready enough to make disciples; I can't even communicate properly. What am I even doing with my life? Some of my friends are already working in ministry, in the mission field and here I am after noon on a weekday sitting in my pink batman onesie in an empty house because everyone has gone out to make a difference in the world. In some ways, I feel like pursuing higher education in ministry before actually working in the field is for people who haven't been able to demonstrate their commitment to a lifestyle of serving Christ, and ability to love and disciple people well enough to be asked to join some kind of ministry team, which makes me feel just wonderful about myself and my potential to make a difference in the world for the sake of Christ. Having these negative thoughts magnified to the point where I question this call, my ability to be loved as the human I am, and whether I should even be following Jesus at all if I constantly feel sidelined and unworthy to serve him alongside my peers rather than challenged to be and do better--I struggle to understand a lot of things about the Lord and how he works on a daily basis, but I know that those things are lies, and the fact that I'm believing them is dangerous and just underlines a need for Jesus. 

I'm a relatively new Christian, and feel like I have very little knowledge of the bible, and how to pray, and feel rather unconfident when it comes to justifying and defending my faith. I don't think I can adequately answer the big, hot-button questions of why God allows human suffering to occur, why the God of the old testament seems so different than the God of the new testament and how on earth to reconcile the two, whether or not homosexual relationships are sinful, why God doesn't always answer prayer, etc. etc. Essentially, I feel immensely underqualified to begin a career in ministry, and rather intimidated to begin a formal education towards one, knowing that I will likely not only be among the newer Christians at seminary, but also among the younger individuals with limited life experience. I can just see a nervous breakdown looming somewhere around October or November of first semester due to the stress of deadlines and academia and just feeling lost in an environment where I feel like everyone is more advanced or better than me in every way.

Why am I even doing this? I've thought and prayed about it for a long time, and had conversations with people whom I trust to lead me towards Jesus and give me honest, constructive feedback on my ideas. Heck, I'd totally planned to just throw in the towel on this whole Christianity thing, and move back home and start my own business about six months ago when I was feeling super alone and far away from God, and I did not enjoy having people tell me that I needed to find community and stay with Jesus and find people to love and disciple and to love me and disciple me. I knew they were right though, and I thank God for placing them in my life, and giving them boldness and courage to confront me honestly, love me, and intercede for me. Why am I even doing this? I find it so hard to explain, and I'm not going to lie, I feel a particular desire to prove myself to anyone thinking "Helen, you're so full of shit, you change your mind about what you're doing with your life every damn week, you're so full of yourself, why don't you get a life…"--but I really feel like this is something God wants me to do. I could be totally wrong, but I'm willing to give up a year (and a ton of money) to risk it, just trying to live out what I feel God calling me to, and seeing what he might do with that. It is not going to be easy, at all. The last 3.5 years of my life have been one crazy ridiculous experience of humbling (I was a pompous, pretentious jerk 4 years ago, and if I ever ran into my 18 year old self on the street, I'd probably punch her in the boob [heheheh, that comment was totally precipitated from Bob's Burgers: "don't be such a boob punch!" - Tina Belcher, possibly my spirit animal, actually, jokes, it's probably Louise]. And, don't take this the wrong way, but in a lot of ways, I hope that I'll be able to say the same thing in a few years about my present self.)

I have zero idea where this is headed, but an incredibly rare, solid conviction that it is the will of God. Please pray for me on this new endeavour:

• that I will do my best to stay close to God; that he will speak truth over my life, and that I will listen; that I will be surrounded by good, life-giving community that will challenge me to grow in my relationship with Christ and strive to be a better human being
• for confidence and boldness as I share this news with family and friends, and for opportunities to utilize that confidence and boldness to share the gospel of Christ with those of them who do not believe
•  for wisdom and discernment of direction in what to do and where to go afterwards
• against warfare and spiritual forces that seek to distract from God's will and purpose for me here

I feel like I can't say this enough times or in enough different ways, but I am so extremely thankful for God taking me on this journey of the discovery of himself and my true self over the last few years; for every part of this journey that has been culminating into a fuller picture of who he is, and how he has hopes and dreams for this world and he yearns and aches for all of his creation to be reconciled in the perfect peace of shalom: a peace infinitely greater than anything conceivable and achievable by our human minds and bodies. I'm so, so grateful to have come to a place to have heard this call, and respond to it, and only hope that in so doing, that God will be able to use me for the furtherance of his Kingdom.

mmmmm!

ugh!

YES!