Just stop.

I recently returned from a trip to New York City. As I had kind of expected, the culture shock of going from a small town of 1200 to the biggest city in the country next door within 12 hours was a bit of a challenge. I have been surprised, however, by the difficulty I am facing as I try to understand the culture of human identity in this economic and cultural centre, and the implications as they relate to our perception of our value as individuals.

Let me explain:

I'm not sure if someone coined this quote or if it's just a sentiment that's been passed down through the generations, but, here goes, "If you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere."

Honestly, makes sense, probably true. If you can "make it" in the largest city in the wealthiest country in the world (for most of recent history), you can theoretically "make it" anywhere. Presumably, by the North American cultural definition, "make it" means to land a job (preferably in your area of study/passion/interest) and be "successful" enough to live a "comfortable" life, and/or to be known/renowned for what you do--to have security in your identity and be somebody.

New York, obviously, is very business-driven, being basically the financial headquarters of the world. It's full of people working crazy long hours for "the man" on the top of the corporate ladder, hoping that someday, after years of grind, they'll make it up to those echelons themselves, or make enough money to not have to, or maybe something else. No one can be 23 and work 80 hours a week forever, the same way that no one who is 23 and fresh out of school will ever just magically find themselves at the top of the corporate ladder. The system makes logical sense. 

Similar things can be said about the entertainment industry in New York. People spend a ton of money on education with hopes that they can "make it big" in this prestigious entertainment centre. Except getting your foot in a door appears to be an extreme challenge, so they'll get to the city and wait tables, serve coffee, or scrub toilets for more hours in a week than a human should be allowed to work, to pay for astronomical rent and food prices while also preparing for stupidly competitive auditions that may or may not yield anything.

I don't get it, but at the same time, I do.

People are unsatisfied being "normal" or as they are, and believe they will find solace in becoming something bigger, and living up to ideals that our culture deems "desirable". Of course I wish I could claim an impressive job title at an impressive firm on a resume to land a more impressive job at a more impressive firm. Of course the performer in me thinks it would be absolutely awesome to have a stint in a broadway musical, or play in a prestigious symphony… Even though I might not necessarily enjoy any of those things 100% of the time, how awesome would it be to have those bragging rights? (Like how I can say I got my first job working for the government at 13, but really I was just bringing people papers and water)

And I wish that all these people who are busting their buns to make it big, sacrificing so much for so little time to actually sit back and enjoy moments in life because the potential for a high payout later takes precedence over living in the moment now--oh, I only wish that they could know that their value as a human being is in no way dictated by any position, degree, or accomplishment. I hope they know how much they are loved; how valuable and precious their lives are just because they exist and not for any other reason; how there is nothing they can do to take that love and value away, or make it any greater.

I'm not saying this to detract anything from people who pursue those goals and lifestyles. I feel especially passionate about conveying this message of love to people who place their identity and worth outside themselves (in something external like their job or education) because some of the people I care about the most fall into this category…and I know how that feels, too.

Five years ago, I was ready to work really hard for a few years and make myself into something I thought was going to make me more successful--something that had the potential to give me an enviable job title and comfortable annual salary. Panic disorder changed everything. All of a sudden I wasn't able to go to school and sit through classes, labs and tests. Any value that I placed in my ability or potential to get good grades, get into a good grad school program, land a good job and be set for life all of a sudden felt worthless. With no desirable life prospects visible from the outset of my new reality of living with a mental illness, I believed that I was absolutely useless and therefore unlovable. Looking back, I feel like I can say that those assumptions were unfounded. I didn't lose any friends over that diagnosis--if anything, my existing and new relationships grew stronger since I was forced into vulnerability of what was actually going on inside my head, and sometimes that made other parties want to be vulnerable as well.

In light of that, though, I began to understand how broken we all are as humans. Life is so, so hard, and we can't do it on our own. As much as we may strive to be around for one another and hold hands and sing kumbaya because there's always a way to make things right somehow, we fall short. We let each other down, through no ill intentions of our own. We misinterpret the actions and words of others. We avoid potentially beneficial confrontation for the fear of things turning sour. We are so flawed, and there's nothing we can do to change that human nature.

And then: grace. Grace says "although I regret that you weren't there for me in the way(s) I thought you should've been, I forgive you, I still love you, and I want to move forward with you as my friend", and "I'm not going to shame or look down on you for the fact that you're only human and you mess up sometimes", and "I release myself of the responsibility to do more than I am capable of in an effort to maintain the equilibrium or wellbeing of myself and/or others". The grace of God says "I fulfill your shortcomings so you don't have to pretend they don't exist, because you're not superhuman, and that's just the way it's supposed to be" and "I love you in spite of your humanness and vulnerability". In spaces where grace is extended, God is glorified, and that grace is always freely flowing. So cool.

Sometimes I just want to shove Jesus at everyone so bad saying "Here! Free love! Take it! Explore it! Get to know it!", but oh my goodness, especially people whose identity, value, and self-worth lie in their careers or wealth of life experience. Mostly because those things are so transient--a job can be gone suddenly without warning; a terminal illness could be diagnosed; visiting every country or wonder of the world doesn't make me better than you. It's impossible to raise yourself above or lower yourself below the reach of God's love and grace, and raising or lowering your apparent position in the world won't get you faster or better grace, love or care (i.e. don't sin more so that you'll get more grace). If we had any idea how much Jesus loves us, and how to pass that love through ourselves to all whom we meet, we wouldn't feel the need to be so superficially impressive as to implicitly say "get away from me, I'm good enough on my own and I don't need you" or "my situation suck[s/ed] so much more than yours so here's why [I need more x more urgently/my transformation story is more impressive than yours]."

Did this trip make me bitter because it was a slap-in-the-face reminder of a time when I was on track to being "somebody" in the eyes of the world? Yeah, maybe. 

Did it make me question God's sovereignty, seeing such a gap between the wealthy and the poor? Absolutely. 

Did it make me feel guilty about various aspects of my privilege, despite highlighting the areas where I lack privilege? You bet.

Did it reignite my passion and purpose for sharing the love of Jesus with everyone? Without question.

You can bend over backwards, break your neck, and slowly kill yourself adhering to norms to be seen in a favourable light by society and culture, but it won't last. We'll mess up. Our best is never good enough for some people, no matter how hard we try. The love and grace of God reach beyond those confines and expectations we put around ourselves and call "necessary" or "good". Just take this most precious gift that is being freely given to you, and feel the need for no more justification for your deserving of it! This is the same God whose first recorded words to Jesus were "You are my beloved son, with you I am well pleased."--prior to any of the laundry list of expectations of Jesus ever being fulfilled.

There's a dude out there who wants to give you the best thing ever, for free, and it won't require you to "make it" anywhere. Stop fighting to be "somebody" and let that guy love you!