Just a quick little thing

I'm obviously supposed to be doing homework right now, but just thought it would be pertinent to give an update on how this whole seminary situation is panning out.

In short, I am completely convinced that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. This is precisely where God has paved the path for me to be for this season, and that has been evident across so many different situations. Every day I find myself just sitting back in awe of how he has woven this whole thing together (and that I was actually able to listen and discern and obey!). I know he has awesome plans for me, and the next three (or more) years are going to be the most amazing journey--even more so than the last three years (as if that is even possible!).

Already, this experience has been unimaginably challenging. Starting at a new school and a new job, and living in a new city are difficult circumstances for any normal human to adjust to. Throw in an anxiety disorder and depression and the situation explodes. I did a science degree for my undergrad--the world of reading textbooks and writing papers is almost entirely foreign, and yet I've been tossed into it, being expected to read a few hundred pages a week while going to school full time and work part time (this coming from a kid who seldom read more than the back of a cereal box--mmmm, sodium benzoate!). I feel kind of dumb in some of my classes as someone who's never studied the bible academically, and who doesn't have a lot of "Christian" life experience. Many days I feel like my face is physically being pulled downwards and I'm upset for reasons I can't identify and I just become flustered that I can't verbalize my frustrations and angst and just have to take some time alone to sit and regroup. I've fallen back into old habits a few times and gotten so angry and frustrated that I've self-harmed… This has been SO hard.

But then I think back to four years ago, and even before that, how helpless I felt--days when I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed, but just in the silence of my own self-doubt came this notion that someone, somewhere wanted something better for me. I'm so crazy excited that I now recognize that that was God speaking to me, and that he's going to continue to shape and refine my life into something beautiful and useful. He's going to redeem all of that pain and suffering. I'm seriously getting super giddy and antsy right now, on the verge of a panic attack getting all excited about it.

I mean, even down to the points where I've been in panic mode during class, and have just felt a sudden profound wave of calm wash over me and I instantly stop shaking, not of my own volition. This has happened more than once in the short two weeks that I've been here. That same exact thing happened nearly three years ago and was what convinced me that God was real and cared about me and that I was his. He is real. He knows me. He loves me. He is working this all together and I'm 110% on board to see what he's going to turn this into.

As if it wasn't blatantly obvious already, this is absolutely impossible apart from him. I'm so unbelievably grateful for all of the individuals who have walked with me on this journey so far. You are all so, so special. God bless you.

I Surrender

"Go to seminary," they said.

"It'll be great," they said.

There's not a doubt in my mind that it will be, but it's also going to be hard--so hard…

I hadn't thought much about what the actual experience of sitting in a seminary class and doing the work was going to be like. I've done a bit of emotional maturing since the last time I graced a lecture hall with my presence--usually for about 25 minutes before being swept out of the room by a panic attack. Panic attacks are funny like that. Just when you think you're going to be okay and breeze through a potentially difficult situation unscathed, they like to attack you (they're so aptly named!), and all kinds of terrors you'd previously tucked away to rest take a joyride through your head, mostly with thoughts like, "we're right back where we were three years ago, nothing's worked" or "what am I even doing here? I have no freaking idea." or "I can't be a contributing member of this community or society if I can't even sit still like any normal human being and pay attention without my mind tricking me into thinking I'm going to drop dead suddenly sitting still in a lecture hall and my body spazzing out like I'm a hyperactive five-year-old who's just inhaled a whole package of Skittles."

I know that those are all lies, but good luck trying to get me to remember that in the middle of an attack when everything my body is thinking and doing is telling me "no, the panic is in charge, you have absolutely no agency here."

Today is world suicide prevention day.

I don't even know how to verbalize the sentiments of fear and gratitude that wash over me in a clear state of mind: if I hadn't have met Jesus, if God hadn't have found me in the sick, twisted state I was in and shown me a little tiny light in the black hole where I was trapped, how long would I have put up with existing as a shadow of the human being that I could be if my brain would just work properly? How much hurt and rejection and fear would it have taken before thinking and feeling nothing became the preferable option?

It's scary. I don't like to think about it.

But that's not the way it is. The recovery period from every panic attack is an emotionally-charged reminder of how, geez, even if God doesn't exist, I sure need something to store hope in right now, because I sure wouldn't have any confidence in myself in an emergency…

I'm confident that this "yes" to seminary was the right "yes". I know that he has come around me on all sides and isn't going anywhere. Jesus promises quite the opposite of sunshine and butterflies in exchange for following his lead.

So last night at 2 in the morning after several hours of emotional turmoil, I got down on my knees with open hands and said something like "I can't do this. This is all you, Jesus. This is all you. I know that you've blessed me into this, even though right now it feels like absolute crap, so just have your way."

"…I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Cor 12:8-10

It'll be good.