Just a quick little thing

I'm obviously supposed to be doing homework right now, but just thought it would be pertinent to give an update on how this whole seminary situation is panning out.

In short, I am completely convinced that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. This is precisely where God has paved the path for me to be for this season, and that has been evident across so many different situations. Every day I find myself just sitting back in awe of how he has woven this whole thing together (and that I was actually able to listen and discern and obey!). I know he has awesome plans for me, and the next three (or more) years are going to be the most amazing journey--even more so than the last three years (as if that is even possible!).

Already, this experience has been unimaginably challenging. Starting at a new school and a new job, and living in a new city are difficult circumstances for any normal human to adjust to. Throw in an anxiety disorder and depression and the situation explodes. I did a science degree for my undergrad--the world of reading textbooks and writing papers is almost entirely foreign, and yet I've been tossed into it, being expected to read a few hundred pages a week while going to school full time and work part time (this coming from a kid who seldom read more than the back of a cereal box--mmmm, sodium benzoate!). I feel kind of dumb in some of my classes as someone who's never studied the bible academically, and who doesn't have a lot of "Christian" life experience. Many days I feel like my face is physically being pulled downwards and I'm upset for reasons I can't identify and I just become flustered that I can't verbalize my frustrations and angst and just have to take some time alone to sit and regroup. I've fallen back into old habits a few times and gotten so angry and frustrated that I've self-harmed… This has been SO hard.

But then I think back to four years ago, and even before that, how helpless I felt--days when I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed, but just in the silence of my own self-doubt came this notion that someone, somewhere wanted something better for me. I'm so crazy excited that I now recognize that that was God speaking to me, and that he's going to continue to shape and refine my life into something beautiful and useful. He's going to redeem all of that pain and suffering. I'm seriously getting super giddy and antsy right now, on the verge of a panic attack getting all excited about it.

I mean, even down to the points where I've been in panic mode during class, and have just felt a sudden profound wave of calm wash over me and I instantly stop shaking, not of my own volition. This has happened more than once in the short two weeks that I've been here. That same exact thing happened nearly three years ago and was what convinced me that God was real and cared about me and that I was his. He is real. He knows me. He loves me. He is working this all together and I'm 110% on board to see what he's going to turn this into.

As if it wasn't blatantly obvious already, this is absolutely impossible apart from him. I'm so unbelievably grateful for all of the individuals who have walked with me on this journey so far. You are all so, so special. God bless you.